Being Recreated
 | Destroyed and Recreated | Nov 28, 2009 |
I am making this page as a way of healing, sharing my thoughts and fears and paranoia on my healing journey.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse from parents, and into my teenage and young adult years, I fell victim to terrifying,violent and traumatic multiple rapes.
And then to find myself in my first relationship with a man I adored and loved with all my heart, only to become victim to his anger and hatred towards all women, including myself, he beat me, but I was naive and I thought I deserved it, as I was not smart in words, in life, I did things wrong.
I did nothing wrong but be innocent.
I am trying to heal from all these things.
Today I find it hard to trust people, to beleive them when they say nice things about me, I don't beleive them when they say I am sweet and kind and beautiful, I don't see myself as that.
I hope someday I can.
And so I have realized all my self destruction is a past survival thing, it was how I survived when I was alone in the world, when I thought I was the only one, when I was confused, I didn't know why I was feeling the things I did, I didn't understand what had happened to me.
I understand now, I understand all the bad things happened to me to make me grow, maybe to make me grow quicker than others, I know I have learned so much in just a few years that it takes a lifetime for others to learn.
I want to be thankful.
I want to be better
I want to like myself
I want to be happy
I have met the greatest guy now, someone who I wondered existed, someone who I hoped did, but I gave up that hope a long time ago, and then he walked in.
It's been hard for me being with another guy after all the bad things that have happened to me before, but he is so good and nice and he tries to help me.
I am trying to get past the negative beleifs I have in myself and let what he sees of me to become what I see.
But it is hard, but I am trying.
And I pray he has the patience for me, I don't know how long it will be before I am "normal"
What others need to understand, just try to beleive is how wrapped up my life has been in violence and others treating me so bad, and how very hard it is for me to come out of that.
But I think all I need is patience, acceptance and love, and encouragment.
And I hope he has that for me.
A good friend made this for me as a gift to others from me.
If you have a website you want to share, you can send it to me and I will put a link up to it.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse from parents, and into my teenage and young adult years, I fell victim to terrifying,violent and traumatic multiple rapes.
And then to find myself in my first relationship with a man I adored and loved with all my heart, only to become victim to his anger and hatred towards all women, including myself, he beat me, but I was naive and I thought I deserved it, as I was not smart in words, in life, I did things wrong.
I did nothing wrong but be innocent.
I am trying to heal from all these things.
Today I find it hard to trust people, to beleive them when they say nice things about me, I don't beleive them when they say I am sweet and kind and beautiful, I don't see myself as that.
I hope someday I can.
And so I have realized all my self destruction is a past survival thing, it was how I survived when I was alone in the world, when I thought I was the only one, when I was confused, I didn't know why I was feeling the things I did, I didn't understand what had happened to me.
I understand now, I understand all the bad things happened to me to make me grow, maybe to make me grow quicker than others, I know I have learned so much in just a few years that it takes a lifetime for others to learn.
I want to be thankful.
I want to be better
I want to like myself
I want to be happy
I have met the greatest guy now, someone who I wondered existed, someone who I hoped did, but I gave up that hope a long time ago, and then he walked in.
It's been hard for me being with another guy after all the bad things that have happened to me before, but he is so good and nice and he tries to help me.
I am trying to get past the negative beleifs I have in myself and let what he sees of me to become what I see.
But it is hard, but I am trying.
And I pray he has the patience for me, I don't know how long it will be before I am "normal"
What others need to understand, just try to beleive is how wrapped up my life has been in violence and others treating me so bad, and how very hard it is for me to come out of that.
But I think all I need is patience, acceptance and love, and encouragment.
And I hope he has that for me.
A good friend made this for me as a gift to others from me.
If you have a website you want to share, you can send it to me and I will put a link up to it.
 | Blog | Mar 28, 2010 |
Been a while
Haven't written in a while, but that doesn't mean nothing has been happening, LOTS! but I don't have the time right now to write, will have to wait until tomoroww.Previous blog entries: | ||
| Jan 3 | - | Wishing he could understand |
| Dec 13 | - | last night's expierence |
| Dec 9 | - | Fears |
